I'm sorry I missed the post yesterday I was having one of those days and just need to take some time off, I'm better now and climbing back up that mountain. Will you join me?
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
Did you ever blame yourself for what happened to your angel? Did you ever second guess something you did while you were pregnant? maybe it's something very small like sleeping on the right side instead of the left side, but did you ever wonder was it you? I've made it very clear that I believe I did everything right in my pregnancy with Vayden, but being told his condition was a fluke in development was hard to accept at first. I wanted someone or something to blame for this. I recall second guessing myself at times, wondering if the spicy nachos I ate every single day for 8 weeks caused this.
When I would share his fetal condition to strangers, some would boldly ask if I was taking my prenatals or getting enough water, rest, or eating the right foods. When I would tell them it's a rare fluke in development they would give me this eye as if they were saying "well you must have done something wrong, my babies are healthy" Some were very sympathetic and understanding, I believe they've either walked this road of loss of they knew someone who did.
When Vayden died, I told myself that I will not allow myself to ever fall into thinking that I'm to blame, I know I researched hard enough, I prayed strong enough and I loved/love him with every piece of my heart. I did nothing wrong and no one can tell me otherwise, so I share his story with everyone and anyone, because I DID NOTHING WRONG!!!, therefore I have nothing to be ashamed of.
The 345 Teddy Bear Project speaks entirely to this line, every teddy bear has Vayden's blog URL on it and every bear is to encourage woman to share their story just as I've shared mine. Because we did nothing wrong.
See you next week : To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
5 comments:
I can relate to feeling blame for my angels. Paul my hubby now at the the time we weren't married, were having some problems. I blamed myself for wks. I also blamed myself the second time cause it was right after the big move from Ohio to Nevada. I know it wasn't my fault but at the time I just couldn't understand why a God that is so loving would let me lose 2 lives. Great post & I'm so glad your doing all you are. {{HUGS}} my friend
Caroline
Stephanie you always manage to touch my heart. You just "know". Maybe because I am a LUTO mommie. too. I too second guessed myself, but as you did I researched night and day, and did everything I knew was right, and I loved/love Devyn with everything I have within me. Thank you for all you do.
Paula
I've wondered before if it was something I did. Was it too soon to conceive after Kyndra? Did I not have enough folic acid reserves? It's a sick cycle of blame that you can easily fall into. I know I'm not to blame. It happened.
I have lived in India where I have seen babies being born on piles of garbage and surviving, women giving birth to babies on the streets with no medical intervention whatsoever, and pregnant women smoking and doing drugs and still having healthy babies. I have come to the conclusion that life and death is not in our hands, much as we would like to believe it is. I am so glad that I am not burdened with guilt as I am with sorrow because that burden would be a lot to bear.
I blame myself for the death of my son very often, as do many others. Although deep in my heart, I know that it was not my fault, it was an accident; I cannot help but feel there was many things I should of and could of done very differently and he would have never died.
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